Bring out your dead!

SCENE - Quiet residential street in July. It is mid-morning and the temperature is already in the mid-30s (that's mid-90s in U.S.). Someone has placed a dead raccoon at the side of the street; it has been there since the previous afternoon. 

[SARA puts the bedroom blind up. She looks out the back window and is shocked to see a dead squirrel in the back yard, lying on its side with its paws askew; she can practically see the Xs on its eyes. She starts to hyperventilate. She goes to the study to send an email. We see her typing the following email:]

OK, there is a dead squirrel out in the backyard. I don’t think I can go out there and deal with that all by myself so can we just cope with it and the other backyard stuff when you get home? I will go and do it with you but I don’t want to do it alone.

The dead raccoon is still up the road. I guess I will call the city.

[SARA looks up the number for City of Toronto Animal Services and makes the call.]

SARA: Hi. I'm calling about a dead raccoon and a dead squirrel. The dead raccoon is outside of 461 K----- Road and it's been there since yesterday. I don't know if anyone has called you about it yet.

CITY EMPLOYEE: Lemme look. [There is a brief pause as he checks.] No, I don't see anything here.

SARA: Okay, well it's outside 461 K-----. And -- there's a dead squirrel in my back yard and I kinda want to know what to do with that.

CITY EMPLOYEE: Well we can pick it up --

SARA: Great!

CITY EMPLOYEE: -- you just have to bring it to the curb.

SARA [her voice full of dismay]: Oh. You can't-- you can't come and pick it up out of the back yard?

CITY EMPLOYEE [in an empathetic voice]: No, I'm sorry. Look, you just get a shovel, slide the shovel under the squirrel, and just bring it out to the curb.

SARA: I was afraid you'd say that.

CITY EMPLOYEE [still empathetic]: It's only a squirrel. It's okay.

SARA [hoping the answer will be "no"]: Do I have to do it now?

CITY EMPLOYEE [apologetically]: Yeah, well usually we come later in the day but it would be good for you to do it now because we may come around earlier.

SARA [dismayed resignation]: Oh.

CITY EMPLOYEE [possibly should consider a career in crisis counselling]: It will be okay.

SARA [still dismayed resignation]: Okay, thanks.

[SARA steels herself to dispose of the squirrel. To prepare herself for the ordeal, she decides to have another look at it. Perhaps she can put some newspaper over it before she scoops it, so that she doesn't have to see those lifeless eyes staring at her. She looks out the back window. The squirrel is gone! She goes outside to see if the corpse has been moved by another animal. There is no sign of the dead squirrel. There is, however, another squirrel matching the description (apart from the deceased part) frolicking beneath the bird feeder. SARA goes back inside, picks up the phone, and makes a call.]

SARA: Oh, hi. I was talking to you or your colleague a few minutes ago about a dead raccoon and a dead squirrel. 

CITY EMPLOYEE #2: Okay, that wasn't me. Let me look. [There is a brief pause as he checks.] Oh, okay, here it is.

SARA [sheepishly]: Oh, okay, well, this is kind of embarrassing, but the squirrel is gone.

CITY EMPLOYEE #2 [where do these people come from?]: Oh?

SARA [possibly even more sheepishly]: I guess it was dragged off by another animal. Or it wasn't dead. Or something.

CITY EMPLOYEE #2 [man, I could write a book about these whackos]: Ooookay. Well, I guess I'll just cancel the squirrel. 

SARA: Okay, thanks. 

Hallelujah! The squirrel has risen. It has risen indeed!